Fables of Japan: The Pied Piper
by AcerbusEquinomin56
Summary: The Pied Piper retold with Loveless characters in traditional poetic form. Also, it's a parody! Hooray for parody!


A/N: Okay, now this was just sporadic, so I just kind of went with it. I thought that it would be funny to write this. It was something random that just popped into my head and it has started a whole giant throng of fics that will be in the works. I love this idea. Review if you like and if you don't like then go get mauled.

The Pied Piper of Japan

Most people think they know the story,

You know, the one that sounds so boring?

Usually, I'd say they're right,

Until I decided to sit and write

And now I can honestly say

Something's different or affray.

I've altered just a thing or two,

But what can I say, I did it for you.

It wasn't too very long ago,

That this happened, so

Just sit back and listen deep

As I tell you the story of the pedo creep.

Far away in another world of Japan,

Was a dimension of the kitty-boi, I mean, man.

The world was overrun by complaints,

But not from laws, taxes or restraints,

It was because, no matter what

Rain or shine, cold or hot,

No matter how many times that people did it,

They could seem to get rid of it.

When I say it, I mean, my dears,

Their adorable little kitteh ears.

No matter what they did or tried,

No matter how many times they cried

From pain or pleasure or otherwise,

From easy pushes or a large surprise,

They couldn't seem to get away

From the daunting feature, every day

That swiveled and twitched in the mirror,

And every day it would get clearer

That unless something drastic was done,

Whenever anyone had some fun,

They'd have to look eternally

At their existence as a kitteh.

Now many people had no complaints

About the cute, furry virgin restraints,

But still it erked that minority

That needs its bills of obscenity

And must have attention paid to it

Or it would go into a mighty bitch fit.

The leaders of the growing city

Met to decide how to get rid of the kittehs,

But soon enough, their mostly Buddhists hums were answered

Into the room pranced a dancer.

(He wouldn't have been able to pass

Had he not seduced the secretarial lass)

Nevertheless, he stepped right in

Dressed head to toe in a cardigan,

Needless to say it was buttoned to the brim,

But with circumstances, there was no stopping him.

It was a very large attire,

Yellow as canaries and red as fire.

But it still didn't seem to help

That the scarf he was wearing was green as kelp.

One leader scoffed and burst outright,

"What business have you, traffic light?"

The man didn't even hesitate,

He bowed to the floor and caused the entering secretary to faint.

(Of course, he didn't want to pass up a chance

To stroll the streets not wearing pants.

Because he liked to see people get pissed

To note that he's an exhibitionist.)

He spoke out loud with a commanding voice

And struck a victory pose with startling poise.

"My name," he said (Predictably)

"Is none other than the great Soubi!

I've come from a far off land," said he"I believe that it was called Italy."

(And as you might have guessed already,

Soubi wasn't ever steady,

His previous engagement was similar to this,

Except the problem shrieked and hissed.

He had gotten rid of rats for them,

The ungrateful people of Hamelin.

However, when they didn't uphold their lies,

Soubi went for the real prize!

He made off with every child,

Small or large, sick or mild.

He danced away with everyone

And then, naturally, he had some fun.

The Promised Land he promised them

Wasn't much more than scum and phlegm.

I believe, with utter pity,

He took them all to New York City.

Of course, it's the perfect place

To hide again and put on a new face

And of course get rid of evidence,

And then you live just like a Prince.

But after that, he got real bored

Even though he had thought he scored.

Soubi realized a giant flaw,

No one was over four feet tall.

Now, honestly, how are you supposed to do,

Someone who is grossly shorter than you?

He decided to be a little smarter

And go after one that was a wee bit taller.

Five feet something should be enough,

Then I can finally get the stuff!

Need I go on to tell you then,

What happened to the rest of the children?)

In any case, I move along,

Otherwise this will be way too long.

Soubi donned his rugby cap,

He then stood up with a little snap.

This caused the front of his cardigan

To unsnap right in front of his…

The leaders jumped and screamed with fright,

One even grew wings and took flight.

It was a bit of a tragedy,

It was something that no one wanted to see.

(Of course, this does not include

The yaoi fangirls and the lowly lude

Plus a few others that deeply care

Just what Soubi has stuffed under there)

No one dared to interrupt

This performer of the neatly corrupt

For fear that one gesture of the hand

Might make them have to see **it** again.

Soubi went on with his speech

"Dear rulers, I kindly beseech

For you to let me handle this job!

I won't mess up! I'm not a snob!

I have a really simple solution,

If you'll provide my retribution.

I want a kid who's 5'1

With dead pale cheeks and not much fun.

I want to have my way with him

So we can play Mario Cart and the Sims."

The high ruler stroked his beard in thought.

This was new because he didn't think a lot.

Nevertheless he spoke outright,

"I have my answer! It is…alright,

But before you help us, one final thing,

Are you bored?" "Yes, sir, I am!"

And so, it wasn't very long

Before Soubi told them of a song.

He'd cooked it up on the ride

On his plane on the left hand side.

"It wasn't too hard to ponder,

For I always often wonder

About adolescents having fun

And while I wondered on the run,

I came upon this extraordinary thought,

What if perhaps, it just was not hot?

What if people weren't in the right mood

To get rid of their ears while in the nude?

So I cooked up a really sexy song

And just to make sure I wasn't wrong,

I tested it out on a random guy

I met on the street and it was fly

To see him sweat with every blow

That I gave happily, sweet and low

And before you get me wrong,

I was blowing on my saxophone!

(Yes, dear reader as you can see,

I deviated, god, help me,

But I think that was still right,

To flee from the scary copyright.)

Soubi held up a shiny CD,

It read "The Best of Kenny G."

(Yes, I brought him into this mess,

But it's just for fun, would you protest?

And yes, it's true, Soubi never

Cooked up this song that made skin shiver.

It just so happened to be playing

When Soubi just so happened to be playing.

At that time, his ears fell off

And then a smile emerged, not a scoff.

"This would be fun if I just could

Market this and I know I could."

And so he caught an express flight

Dressed in a sweater, red, yellow and white.

The greatest shame of the century,

Or just a big, fat parody?)

The leaders looked on in fright.

There was the answer to their plight!

They all hurrahed as Soubi began

To make copies of this plan.

And quick as he came the copies spread

And sank into all lovers' heads.

And quick as that, they lost their ears,

Too easily in fact, over a couple of beers.

But still, the heat had risen greatly,

Due to the jazzy music, plainly,

The spice had upped the ante

And it had upped it fast and plenty.

People got banged to Kenny G

And increased his popularity.

(Meanwhile in America,

Kenny became a millionaire.

He wasn't quite sure why Japan

Was buying millions from his band,

But whatever the reason, he didn't care,

He was a freaking millionaire!)

It eventually slowed after all,

A lot of people had a ball.

A few too many drunken parties,

Stripping men well in their thirties

With even housewives, now desperate,

That they threw themselves at whoever they'd fit.

It didn't really matter too much,

People were happy for the rush.

It died down eventually

And Soubi came to claim his pay.

The leaders looked at him and said,

"Are you crazy in the head?We can only kill our children,

But nevertheless, we still protect them.

Do you honestly think for a minute,

That we'd give anything to some Humbert pedophilic?"

Now, that right there, broke Soubi's heart,

Even if he didn't have one from the start.

Was it his fault he had a hunger

For someone that was ten years younger?

It wasn't fair that they would dare

Go out on him who played fair and square

(Although of course you must admit,

That sex drugs and kidnapping kits

Was nowhere near a fair game,

But we're rooting for Soubi, so it's all the same.)

Soubi looked at them with a glare.

He squinched his eyes and curled his hair.

(Where he got that curling iron,

I don't know, I'm too tired

To bother making up a story

Of how he got his hair primping glory.

While he glared, nevertheless,

His hair looked absolutely fabulous!)

"You think that you'll throw me in a trash bin?"

What can I say? Here we go again.

Soubi whipped out his saxophone

And blew a note that shook the room.

He then stomped outside to see

The little children gathering.

Now, this was all his master plan,

For he knew that, beforehand,

When so many aimed to kill,

They wouldn't use their birth control pills

And so he waited a little while,

For cats grow faster than they can smile.

In a few months, he had a great

Large amount of prey in wait

And so now he was the only cat

Amongst a hoard of many rats.

And so now, with his plan ahead,

He'd take his usual prize instead.

A crowd of people that he'd adore

And there was something so much more.

Because they were all from Japan,

He knew that there was no flaw in his plan.

Everyone may be short, it's true,

But they are all disturbingly cute

And a pedo could just cuddle up

Amongst thousands of those that should be stuffed

Because of their small, cute face and hands

That may push away, but cannot withstand

The force of a full grown adult,

Soubi is smarter than he looks.

One more note echoed from

That brassy, second hand saxophone

(Soubi didn't want to spend much time

Blowing on wooden reed or climb

Down the ladder of his moral esteem

To be a crop instead of cream.

So rather than think of too many things

To lure the children with, like rings,

He chose a battered painted PVC pipe

And waited till the time was right,

Hey, he was cheap and poor, what can I say,

He didn't want to waste a day,

When he really wanted to blow on wood,

But a different kind (You had better of understood).

He started walking along the path

Bellowing his promises and this and that.

"Come with me and then you'll see,

That I have a game cube and a PS3,

I have board games, cards and a computer,

I've roll playing games for the early suitor.

For those who think it isn't cool

To sit around in your own drool

While at video games and such things,

I have a different set of games.

These things will make your head soar,

And make certain bits hurt some more.

Just come with me or stay to be bored,

Until your family reaches more than four.

Then, you'll wish you came with me,

So come on now, there's too much to see."

Soubi opened up the mountain.

It was big and had a fountain.

He ushered them into a deep cavern,

Which for intelligent people was not a tavern.

It wasn't some mystical magic cave,

No, he led them to the subway.

After all had entered in,

Soubi turned to go in,

But he heard a small voice,

Of in the distance, but by choice,

He turned to see another child

Rushing to him, through the wild.

Or at least you could call it that,

The urban jungle habitat.

The child was everything Soubi wanted.

He was pale and hardly flaunted.

He looked no fun and it was apparent

That to his mind, the Sims were adherent.

It brought tears to Soubi's eyes

And it took everything plus lies,

For him to keep on walking through that door

That was in the mountain corridor.

The boy screamed "wait", but Soubi stepped,

And away he went, but while he left,

He cried out one final sentence

As the child reached the entrance,

"Don't worry, Ritsuka, I'll come back for you,

Just you wait until part 2!"

Soubi went away for a while,

Not wanting to spoil his style

Of showing up unexpectantly

While thinking very hesitantly.

He truly loved his Ritsuka-kun,

More than he loved the warming sun,

But who needed apathy, depression and gloom

When you live in a kawaiing, meowing room?

Ritsuka felt a little down for a bit,

He still just couldn't get over it.

His pedophile had left for others

When he swore to get him under the covers.

He didn't have to wait for too long

Until, again, the average throng,

Carried another pervert to him

And so he was chased yet again

By a different guy who spent the day

Calling himself "Seimei."

As to the town, it didn't hurt much,

Remember they had the copies in touch?

The children were replaced soon enough

And everything was just fine enough.

Everyone forgot about Soubi in a couple of months,

Or a drink or two, your choice.

But still, a few wondered why Kenny G

Could make them lose their virginity…

THE END!!!

A/N: So, did you like it? I thought that it would be fun to write, so a few minutes after it popped into my head, I just sat down and began typing. This was right off the top of my head, so it should be random. This is also the first complete thing that I've written in a long time. It is also the first epic/narrative/ funny/fanfic poem that I have ever written. And it makes me happy because I thought that I couldn't write poetry anymore! Review for me please!

P.S. No one could explain how badly I wanted to call the saxophone the "Sexophone." hehe


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